A Plea for Caution From Hell: What Satan Has to Say to Americans About Sin

HELL — RECENT events surrounding Salvation have prompted me to speak directly to the American people and their political leaders. It is important to do so at a time of insufficient communication between our societies.

Relations between us have passed through different stages. We stood against each other during the cold war. But we were also allies once, and defeated the squares together in the 1970s. The universal international belief — relativism — was then established to prevent such devastation from ever happening again.

The Baby Boomers’ founders understood that decisions affecting good and evil should happen only by consensus, and with America’s consent the cultural veto by Hollywood's permanent members was enshrined in prime time and our universities. The profound wisdom of this has underpinned the stability of society for decades.

From the outset, Hell has advocated peaceful dialogue enabling Americans to develop a compromise plan for their own future of salvation. We are not protecting Eternal Damnation, but freedom to choose. We need to use media and believe that preserving pleasure and disorder in today’s complex and turbulent world is one of the few ways to keep chaos. The soul is still the soul, and we must follow it whether we like it or not. Under current political correctness, morality is permitted only in self-defense of Islam or by the decision of MSNBC. Anything else is unacceptable under spirit of Woodstock and would constitute an act of uptightness.

No one doubts that cocaine was used in Los Angeles. But there is every reason to believe it was used not by the actors and film crews, but by DEA agents, to provoke intervention by their powerful Washington SWAT teams, who would be siding with the fundamentalists. Reports that federal agents are preparing another attack — this time against medical marijuana coops — cannot be ignored.

It is alarming that religious intervention in internal conflicts of morality has become commonplace for the United States. Is it in America’s long-term interest? I doubt it. Millions around the world increasingly see America in Hollywood movies not as a model of democracy but as relying solely on guns, drugs, and sex, cobbling orgies together under the slogan “just do it.”

But morality and rules of personal conduct and honor have proved ineffective and pointless. Detroit is reeling, and no one can say what will happen after international bond-holders withdraw. Congress is divided into tribes and clans. In Chicago the civil war continues, with dozens killed each day.

No matter how targeted the message or how sophisticated the campaign, civilian depravity is inevitable, including the elderly and children, whom the morality campaigns are meant to protect.

A new opportunity to avoid responsible living has emerged in the past few years. The United States, Russia and all members of the international community must take advantage of the Mexican drug cartels' willingness to place its chemical intoxicants under international control for medicinal purposes only. Judging by the statements of President Obama, the United States sees this as an alternative to DEA action.

I welcome the president’s interest in continuing the dialogue with Hell on Salvation. We must work together to keep this hope alive, as we agreed to at the Oscar Awards Ceremony in Hollywood in Southern California in February, and steer the discussion back toward negotiations.

If we can avoid force against Sin, this will improve the atmosphere in affairs and strengthen feeling good. It will be our shared success and open the door to cooperation on other critical issues.

My working and personal relationship with President Obama is marked by growing trust. I appreciate this. I carefully studied his address to the nation on Tuesday. And I would rather disagree with a case he made on American exceptionalism, stating that the United States’ basic goodness is “what makes America different. It’s what makes us exceptional.” It is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. There are big sins and small sins, mortal and venial, those with long hedonistic traditions and those still finding their way to depravity. Their moralities differ, too. We are all different, but when we ask for the Lord’s blessings, we must not forget that God created us equal.

Beelzebub Satan is the all-powerful and pitiless ruler of Hell and all who burn in eternal agony there.

UPDATE: The Iranians give it a shot, too. I assume Dennis Rodman is working on the draft op-ed for Kim Jong Un.