One of Santa's many elves, a low-level final inspection supervisor, Elfin Snowed In, who toiled in the vast North Pole Santa toymaking operation, has smuggled out and released data on the extent of Santa's espionage operations. Said Snowed In, from a hotel room in Hong Kong:
We all speak of children being naughty or nice, but do we ever think about the enormous violation of privacy that it takes to make that judgment? The world had to know this.
Let's not even start on the working conditions.
A spokeself for Santa, Cay Jarney, declined to comment on the nature of the leaks, but said that the theft of this data would have a major impact on rewarding the nice and preventing the naughty from enjoying the same privileges.
"Present inequality will only get worse this holiday season," she added.
Before jumping down from the stool behind the official Santa podium and scurrying off the stage, the spokeself darkly hinted at possible retaliation, noting that Santa's sled could stealthily travel to any portion of the globe at speeds that mere humans cannot comprehend. "Letting NORAD track the sled is a courtesy, I assure you," she insisted.
Major retail associations have pledged to seek the extradition of Snowed In for his role in inspiring saboteurs to compromise credit and debit card users at member stores.
There was no comment from Snowed In on rumors of a "doomsday" file on the Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy that would be released if anything happens to the former Santa employee.
