Monday, June 25, 2012

The ecoBeatings Will Continue

I hate--with a passion--Sprint's new ecoEnvelopes.

Let's ignore the fact that opening the ecoEnvelope, which doubles as the return envelope, requires so many careful steps to accomplish as to approximate a Turing test.

I guarantee that the ecoEnvelope with my earthBurning check is ripped open by machine at Sprint corporate headquarters without all the tender loving care to detail that I am required to apply to the ecoEnvelope opening process, fortified by my knowledge that I am saving paper, water, and greenhouse gas emissions.

But aside from that.

I assume that virtually all the savings to paper, water, and emissions from using the Sprint ecoEnvelope system comes from the fact that the ecoGlue used on the ecoEnvelope doesn't work at all, counting on the adhesive properties of my ecoSaliva alone to close and seal the ecoEnvelope. If my check falls out of the bottom of that ecoEnvelope while the earthBurning US Postal system transports it via earthBurning plane and truck, well that's sad--but I do have alternate ecoOptions to use, now don't I?

I know all this is really just a way to ecoPunish me until I give up and just pay online, by phone, or via mobile web. But given the profit margin that Sprint has on my low-use voice phone account, the idea that I should be sad or embarrassed that making Sprint send me paper envelopes to pay my bill to them costs Sprint 50 cents is a bit much.

I guess I should follow the full ecoEnvelope instructions and use my sorrow- and frustration-induced tears to moisten the ecoEnvelope ecoGlue designed to chemically react with those tears to form the perfect ecoBond.

Just ecoBite me.