Because God is Merciful, I Do Not Own a Straight Razor

I'm a simple man, at heart. I have no use for a "shaving system." I don't mean to pick on Norelco. I have one of their electric razors. Hair grows from my face (it's been happening for decades, now) and I need a device that, when supplied with electrical current, spins tiny blades that snip the hairs from my face without cutting my face. Every few days I use that "electric razor." That's what they used to be called when I bought it. I'm very happy with it. Good on you, Norelco, for that.

But that name "electric razor" was from a simpler time when you just ran one of those devices across your face without the benefits of the system's facial-contour-following technology. Apparently, men stubbornly force the whirling blades in a straight line into their facial contours and gouge deep ravines into their skin. The "shaving system" takes care of that now.

I will say I am happy with one trend. The system now snips that facial hair with only two blades. For years it seemed like the razor companies were in an arms race with their competitors, and the razors were starting to look like Medieval maces with enlarged heads containing up to seven blades that were designed for a choreographed facial assault of poking, lifting, twisting, pulling, straightening, folding, and then--and only then--cutting the hair with the final operation of the last blade. Now the companies are back to just two blades and boasting about it. Lifting and cutting are deemed the only really crucial pieces in puzzle that is shaving. Thank you.

Also, the razor holds a 50-minute charge. Thank God! Who among us hasn't been at the mirror after shaving for 45 minutes wondering if the darned thing will keep going for the additional 5 minutes we need to smoothen our skin? Seriously, unless men are shearing sheep with this thing, wouldn't 10-minutes have been enough charge? I mean, what's the point of having 50% more shaving surface if you can't shave faster with all that extra shaving surface? But perhaps they had room to spare by cutting back on the number of blades they mount on the system.

Sorry. Pet peeve of mine. Why overcomplicate something as simple as a razor? The technology is old. Electric razors should be so cheap by now that they are disposable. But no, instead they turn a razor into a "system" that justifies costs higher per pound than the coatings, electronics, and hull shape that keep the F-22 a stealthy plane invisible to enemy radar. Now that's a "system."

This razor thing is almost as bad as taking a simple drip coffee maker and turning it into a "system" using foil-topped individual servings of coffee that cost more for that serving than either the machine I use to make coffee or the large tin of ground coffee that I use for 6 months of coffee. What? Is Starbucks not expensive enough for you? You need to spend as much at home now?

But never mind. This could go on a while if I don't stop right now.

I clearly need more coffee. Late night. Early morning. But I won't risk shaving. God knows how much damage I could to without a system.