Friday, April 09, 2021

The Bridge of Woke

Cancel culture has thrown companies into panic


Until one band of plucky industry social media interns refused to be canceled:

The Bridge of Woke


[gurgle]

GALAHAD: There it is!

ARTHUR: The Bridge of Woke!

ROBIN: Oh, great.

ARTHUR: Look! There's the old man from AOL!

BEDEVERE: What is he doing here?

ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Woke. He asks each CEO five questions--

GALAHAD: Three questions.

ARTHUR: Three questions. They who answers the five questions--

GALAHAD: Three questions.

ARTHUR: Three questions may profit in safety.

ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong?

ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Cancellation.

ROBIN: Oh, I won't go.

GALAHAD: Who's going to answer the questions?

ARTHUR: Sir Robin!

ROBIN: Yes?

ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go.

ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Lancelot go?

LANCELOT: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will ratio him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the Hitler-comparison that s--

ARTHUR: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions--

GALAHAD: Three questions.

ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and Tweet.

LANCELOT: I understand, my liege.

ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot. Virtue be with you.

TWEETKEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Woke must answer me these questions three, ere the other side they see.

LANCELOT: Ask me the questions, tweetkeeper. I am not afraid.

TWEETKEEPER: What ... is your name?

LANCELOT: My name is 'Sir Lancelot of Camelot'.

TWEETKEEPER: What ... is your quest?

LANCELOT: To seek the Social Justice.

TWEETKEEPER: What ... is your gender?

LANCELOT: Male.

TWEETKEEPER: Right. Off you go.

LANCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

ROBIN: That's easy!

TWEETKEEPER: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Woke must answer me these questions three, ere the other side they see.

ROBIN: Ask me the questions, tweetkeeper. I'm not afraid.

TWEETKEEPER: What ... is your name?

ROBIN: 'Sir Robin of Camelot'.

TWEETKEEPER: What ... is your quest?

ROBIN: To seek the Social Justice.

TWEETKEEPER: What ... is the gender of Elliot Page in 2015?

[pause]

ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!

TWEETKEEPER: Stop! What ... is your name?

GALAHAD: 'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.

TWEETKEEPER: What ... is your quest?

GALAHAD: I seek the Social Justice.

TWEETKEEPER: What ... is your gender?

GALAHAD: Male. No, Questio-- auuuuuuuugh!

TWEETKEEPER: Zhe zhim heh. Stop! What... is your name?

ARTHUR: It is 'Arthur', King of the Interns.

TWEETKEEPER: What ... is your quest?

ARTHUR: To seek the Social Justice.

TWEETKEEPER: What ... is the gender of a cis-male lesbian?

ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European lesbian?

TWEETKEEPER: Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!

BEDEVERE: How do know so much about cis-male lesbians?

ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're an intern, you know.

[suspenseful music]

Well, it's just a model. But my thanks to these folks for the original script dialog.