Thursday, March 30, 2006

Avert Your Eyes Puny Mortals!

You've heard the complaints for years that we lack a "plan" to win the war.

You've been assured that if only you'd let the real leaders "report for duty" that we'd get to work and win at long last.

Well wait no longer. THE PLAN is here. Look away unworthy ones! Just glance at it! The nuance may be too great to endure for more than a second! Get a mirror and view it from behind you to dull the brilliance of THE PLAN. Now look away again while your synapses adapt to the intensity of the intellect that produced THE PLAN.

Let me give you background while your brain heals from the onslaught.

Working in organic markets around the country in secret, the best and the brightest of the opposition has been hard at work. I can only guess at the talent pool this document drew upon: Charlie Sheen. Madeleine Albright. Wesley "I've stared down a dictator" Clark. Michael O'Hanlon. And surely, Representative Murtha. Michael Moore did the graphics and art work.

And what a plan it is! Ten whole pages! No wait--scratch the cover.

Nine thought-provoking pages! Hold on--no, there's a little sentence on page two setting the tone.

So, eight--count 'em--eight pages. Dang. There's the introduction so we shouldn't count that as part of THE PLAN.

But still, seven whole pages is nothing to sneeze at when every word is squeezed for meaning!

Hold on. The document is also in Spanish. So let's see, subtract the Spanish language cover, sentence page, and introduction.

So we have four pages. Oh, and two of those are Spanish, too. What's the point of having a Spanish cover, sentence, and introduction if you don't do the plan too, eh?

So there you have the big-brained, long-awaited plan that puts the amateurs in our government to shame.

Really. Two pages. Go and read it now. You should be safe.

Honestly, I provided more details when I wrote a plan for China to conquer Taiwan. Any newbie second lieutenant could put together a 40-slide PowerPoint presentation on a plan to dig a field latrine. And we have two pages of banalities, political attacks, and solutions premised on incorrect problems.

I guess I'm just grateful the second language is Spanish and not French.

Oh. And one more thing. I don't ever want to hear any opponent of the war prattle on about the need for plans before we act.

UPDATE: Apparently, the Cliff Notes version was just for the press when it was announced. There is more detail here. It has to be better with details, doesn't it? I look forward to reading this to find out.

UPDATE: Thanks for the link, Instapundit. Note to self: mocking the French even in passing is clearly the key to traffic.

UPDATE: Oh, and no I don't feel guilty mocking this piece of work. Not after the derision that greeted the description of our strategy for victory in Iraq released in the fall.