Sunday, February 24, 2013

Sequester's Day Speech

The sequester looms. If we survive the zombie apocalypse that will follow the slashing of the planned rate of increase, meaning we will spend 2.3% less than we planned to increase our spending, we can only imagine the scene in the now-darkened White House ...

President Obama bemoans with his press secretary the failure of the Congress to cancel the dread sequester in the winter of 2013:

CARNEY. O, that we now had here
But one ten thousand of those monies in the sequester
That do no investing to-day!

OBAMA. What’s he that wishes so?
My press secretary Carney? No, my fair press secretary;
If we are mark’d to spend, $3.7 trillion are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer monies, the greater share of investment.
Keyne’s will! I pray thee, wish not one billion more.
By 99%, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost-of-living increase;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
But if it be a sin to covet historic budgeting,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my pressec, wish not a dollar from Congress.
Keyne’s peace! I would not lose so great an honour
As one dollar more methinks would share from me
For the best hope I have. O do not wish one more!
Rather proclaim it, Jay Carney, through my OFA,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And monies for relocation allowance put into his purse;
We would not spend in that man’s company
That fears his fellowship to spend with us.
This day is call’d the feast of Sequestrian.
He that outspends this day, and comes safe office,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam’d,
And rouse him at the name of Sequester.
He that shall spend this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say “To-morrow is Saint Sequestrian.”
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say “These wounds I had on Sequestrian’s day.”
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he’ll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Barack the King, Reid and Pelosi,
Boehner and Lew, Biden and McConnell-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb’red.
This story shall the good bureacrat teach his intern;
And Sequester Day shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the next fiscal year,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of borrowers;
For he to-day that spends our borrowed monies with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in Congress now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That spent with us upon Sequester's day.

With apologies to Bill.

UPDATE: And with humble thanks to Mad Minerva for the kind words.