Under President Obama: Big Bird is born in a federal wildlife sanctuary, where attractive female college students on work-study grants lovingly hand feed Big Bird and other Feathered Americans to prepare them for a world of learning.
Under Mitt Romney: Bulldozers knock down the tree that Big Bird's nest is in, and crush Big Bird in his nest under the tracks of the carbon spewing mechanical monster.
Age 1
----------------------
Under President Obama: Big Bird is placed in a multi-cultural and multi-ethnic learning environment where Hollywood stars make guest appearances to teach a number and a letter every day.Under Mitt Romney: Big Bird is forced from the nest and must learn to fly and find his own food. A feral cat, thrown out of the cat shelter because of federal budget cuts, devours the young Big Bird before he can hop to a garbage can for shelter.
Age 5
----------------------
Under President Obama: Big Bird continues to learn his letters and numbers in the federally funded low-income neighborhood on Sesame Street. Big Bird enjoys cookies when he can, although a rough character who lives in a garbage can continues to demand all the cookies.
Under Mitt Romney: Big Bird is shot, taken home, and cooked and eaten by a bitter clinger unable to understand why he doesn't have a regular job in a federal wildlife preserve.
Age 6
----------------------
Under President Obama: With his mastery of many of the letters and several numbers under the tutelage of government learning, Big Bird's popularity on Sesame Street assures him a strong career in acting. Big Bird continues his education, reaching the letter S and the number of the day, 10 trillion.Under Mitt Romney: Big Bird is taken on a cross-country ride on top of the Romney station wagon where he is traumatized and forced to beg Dora the Explorer to use her map to return him to Sesame Street.
Age 10
----------------------
Under President Obama: Katy Perry appears for free on the Sesame Street show despite the massive amount of money that the show makes from merchandising, because she wants to give back to the community.
Under Mitt Romney: Over-stressed from the need to compete with the other characters for air time on Sesame Street, now a struggling show on Nickelodeon, Big Bird goes into a seed-fueled rage over failing to get the prime skit with Katy Perry's cleavage. Adding insult to injury, Perry is wearing yellow. Without ObamaBirdCare, Big Bird is unable to get publicly funded anger management and seed dependency treatment. Big Bird leaps from the tallest building on Sesame Street and, being unable to fly since he never was forced from his nest when he could have learned about lift versus drag, plunges to his death.
Age 23
----------------------
Under President Obama: Big Bird is now so beloved by liberal adults who fondly remember him from their youth that Big Bird never worries about job security. He continues to mail it in, simply going over the same 57 letters, again and again; although he has gotten up to the number 16 trillion with the Count.
Under Mitt Romney: Bain Capital buys PBS, breaks it up, turns Sesame Street into a luxury condo/retail development, and sells Big Bird to Chinese investors who slaughter Big Bird and use his soft, tasty flesh in their General Tsao's Chicken recipe.
Age 31
----------------------
Under President Obama: Big Bird is a multi-millionaire one percenter who can call upon the president to defend the government spending that supports his extravagant lifestyle cavorting with Hollywood guest stars. Oscar sees little of the money, however, and continues to live in a garbage can where he eats cookies in the food desert of Sesame Street that lacks fresh fruits and vegetables.Under Mitt Romney: Big Bird is thrown out of work in favor of outsourced animated birds who appear on a for-profit cartoon network. Big Bird has his eyes pecked out by angry pigeons in a Chicago public square where he vainly tries to fight for a french fry thrown by a child who has never learned to love Big Bird.
Age 42
----------------------
Big Bird: From poverty-stricken egg to one-percenter based on government spending--a record even more impressive than Senator Harry Reid's accumulation of wealth in his tenure in the Senate.
Occupy Sesame Street!
